long time gone

And yes, I'm a little sorry about that. Basically we've been bumming around Tel Aviv, exploring secret-garden cafes, chillin' at the beach, visiting with American and Israeli friends of yore, and taking field trips around the North. Not too much to report. Finally last week we started a little bit of the volunteering, and I've been to two of my five locations so far.

Short recap:

"Ironi Hey High School" - I have a group of three seniors who I am supposed to be prepping for the Bagrut, which is like a high school exit exam but in English. The score on this test determines how good of a job they can get in the army, and also acts as an SAT type score for when they apply to college. However, my three, as amazing as they are, really don't even know enough English to practice the first entry-level book that they have, so it's been interesting. They did, though, tell me that working with me is the first time they've had any interest in learning English, and in my opinion, they're going to be great since they finally have someone who thinks they can do it. Their teacher (who is American, by the by) told me that it doesn't matter what I do because they'll probably fail the test anyway and they'll never learn to speak. She also said that we had to help her out because her classroom is overcrowded, but the truth is that she only has six students, and I took three and the other volunteer took three so actually during those hours the teacher goes shopping and gets her hair done.

"Therapeutic Riding School" - here I have been once, and for about forty minutes we helped autistic kids ride horses, which was pretty cool actually. One of them smiled at me, and his teacher told me that he is so depressed that he hasn't smiled in the six months she's known him, so that was a really awesome step for him. Unfortunately, after that, we spent about two and a half hours being ordered around by the people who work there (as they sat around smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee) to basically clean the entire barn and do everything they've been too lazy to do in the last, oh, I don't know, year or so? Final tally: stalls cleaned - 42, horses cleaned - 32, times a bird pooped on one of us - 2, horses we accidentally set loose - 1, amount of laughter - priceless.

Also on my schedule is "ASSAF" which is working with refugees, "Bait Bateva" which is giving underprivileged kids the chance to be responsible for and learn about all types of plants and animals (and the entire place is swarming with them, from frogs to cats to ducks to fish), and "College for All" which is working with Arab middle school students in math, Hebrew, and English to help give them the same opportunities that Israeli students from higher socioeconomic levels get. Stay tuned.

Top 3 Most Amazing Moments in Israel Thus Far:

3. Trying to join a gym. The issue here was that I didn't know we were going to attempt this when we left the house so I didn't prepare my gym-related Hebrew vocabulary. As a result, I did not know the words for "gym", "rates", "join", "sign up for", "exercise", or "machines". Since the old man did not speak any English, which was fine since I'm always looking for ways to practice my Hebrew, it was amusing nonetheless. The word for gym, we found out, is "cheder kosher," which to my roommate and I sounded a lot like a room where there was no trayf, as "cheder" by itself means "room" and "kosher" means, well "kosher". This was incorrect, and led to much prolonged confusion. In the end, though, it all got figured out, and will lead to Most Amazing Moment in Israel Thus Far number two.

2. Israel spin class. As a good way to practice Hebrew while also getting a fun workout, we decided to go to a spinning class tonight. Luckily, the Hebrew word for "spinning" is "spinning" but with a heftier accent, so that was no issue to figure out. And for your own personal edification, "stationary bike" is "ofanayim sh'lo zaz" which means "a bike that doesn't move". So we got there, found bikes, and waited for it to begin. And oh, how it did begin! The rest of class was nothing like the stay-at-home-rich-moms at Del Mar Workout, no no no. They were much larger, hairier, louder, and with children that did not have nannies to watch them during this time. When the teacher came in, she immediately turned off the lights, turned on a colorful disco ball, extraordinarily loud salsa music, and started shouting excitedly and quickly in Hebrew. About what, I can only tell you my interpretation, but all I knew was that I had to start spinning, and fast. I have never been so afraid of a woman in my entire life, especially since she didn't even ever sit on her bike but instead ran around, yes ran around, yelling and grabbing at peoples' various body parts to correct them if it became evident that they could not here her instructions over the blaring speakers. In case you were wondering, "ometz", when yelled repeatedly in your face, means "with a lot more power and strength now now now!". It was probably the best workout I've ever had, since I was in no way going to slow down, decrease the resistance, or even wipe my face. And such was my first experience with which we have dubbed, "Israeli Screaming Disco Spinning".

1. Almost being a hooker by accident. So my very generous Israeli friend helped one of my roommates and I get a job as caterers. (Can't see where this is going, can you?) For our very first job, which is also all in Hebrew since they don't speak any English so was nerve-racking enough as it is, since we don't have a car, they sent a girl to come pick us up. She was very nice, from Ukraine, and had been living in Israel for the past ten years. She spoke very minimal English, so as a result we conversed in the car in Hebrew. After asking her how long she had been working as a caterer, she said that in fact she wasn't, and she had her own business that was hired for this particular bar mitzvah as well. She told us the name of her business, or what type it was, rather, but I didn't understand the Hebrew so I asked her to explain. This was the description, word for word, "I am very pretty, and I have very pretty girls that work for me. They smile a lot, flirt a little, and help the gentlemen." As you can imagine, it appeared that she was a madam, and had a hooker business. Fine, to each her own. We smiled, nodded, and tried to move on. After arriving at the location (Rishpon, which is incredibly beautiful), getting moderately settled and into uniform, she approached me again. "You, pretty one, come on, you're with me tonight." Uh, excuse me? I had no time to respond, she was apparently in a huge hurry, and snapped her fingers at me and continued to tell me to follow her, as I stood grounded and shocked. I had no choice. I looked at my roommate, and she gave me an "I wish I could help you but what can I do?" look. This was it. I was about to become a hooker for old Israeli men. I had heard that often at weddings they hire escorts, and while I was flattered that she found me attractive enough to be one, I was absolutely mortified. With no other option, as everybody else was staring at me in confusion about why I wasn't obeying, I rushed behind her, frantically trying to figure out how to get my phone back from where I had left it, and decide if in this situation it was better to call my American madrich Dan (who would probably laugh at me more than be helpful), my Israeli madricha Sivan (who would probably be a little bit irked that I had gotten myself into such a situation), a taxi, an Israeli friend with a car, or to just bolt. As it turned out (and I almost hate to tell the ending, as right now in the story is definitely the climax), what she had meant was she was a hostess, or greeter. Since in the States this job is traditionally done by a member of the host's family or friend group, or the event planner takes care of it him/herself, I was not aware that it was a separate business. All I really had to do was stand at the table with the name cards, smile, flirt a little bit, and help the gentlemen (and ladies) find their name, where to leave their gifts, and their table. Relief.

Peace, love, and BARACK OBAMA '08!